Greetings, film-stock-emulsion-heads, I realised recently that I have a gigantic backlog of flicks I was supposed to review. I will be tackling ten today and there are yet others I still haven’t watched, so I might as well get this pile of shit out of the way.

How can I do this efficiently? I’ll write a very short review of each film and give it a rating out of five. Its value may not necessarily be numerical, though.

First off are the awful fucking pieces of garbage that James McGhie and Karina Parks got me for Christmas. They know I love bad movies and decided to specifically find the worst four they could find, plus Bug Alert, which I’m yet to watch. But that is just a cute little kids show which they got me because they know I have this huge puppet fetish.

NUMBER ONE, THE RIDGE

The first half of this movie (which, if you’re wondering, is approximately forty minutes) is basically like being stuck in a room with a lot of people you don’t know having an awkward conversation. I didn’t know that “mumblecore” was a thing until I found out that’s what this movie was supposed to be. Everyone just kind of ad libs bullcrap quietly for ages on end and if you actually can hear what they’re saying over all that damn RnB music, it’s pretty much what university course they’re doing and who is going out with who.

Then a killer comes along and fucking kills everyone. And that’s the movie.

It seems to have been some kind of spare-time project with a bunch of friends which would explain why it has managed to be bad at every single individual level of filmmaking, but it’s still being released on DVD and is therefore fair game.

RATING OUT OF FIVE: DEAD DUCKS

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NUMBER TWO, SOL GOODE (PRONOUNCED “GOOD”)

Sol Goode (pronounced “good”, according to the back of the DVD case) is a comedy without a sense of humour. It has everything in common with a hollywood comedy movie except it doesn’t have any jokes. But it totally plays it cool and acts like it does.

Basically, the plot is about some douchebag called Sol Goode (pronounced “good”) trying to get a job for one and a half hours. But even though he manages to miraculously get about three in a row despite the hellish job situation in the western world right now, something approximating a comedic montage informs us each time that he just isn’t right for the job he landed! Like when he is in that little car that he drives around the golf course driving range; the balls keep pelting his armoured car! Oh no, poor Sol Goode (pronounced “good”)! It must really suck to be him!

The problem with Sol Goode (pronounced “good” (the character - not the movie, which is as riddled with problems as Africa is with AIDS)) is that he is completely and utterly unrelatable. He’s basically a lazy idiot with no charisma whatsoever.

The movie ends with him getting a job with his dickhead of a dad which he spent the whole movie saying he didn’t want to do because then he’d be settling for that shitty job. So I guess the moral is to do what your dad tells you to do??

RATING OUT OF FIVE: FUCK THIS STUPID MOVIE

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NUMBER THREE, SPANISH JUDGES

Nice, evocative name. Makes me think of the Inquisition or conquistadors or something. Unfortunately, the movie is about a bunch of gun collectors who are in a room together for well over an hour, apparently based on a witless play.

There is something vaguely resembling a plot to guide us through the continuing torture of Matthew Lillard (whose film credits include Scooby-Doo and… and, well, the film I’m reviewing right now) telling us how he was doubled crossed by some crime boss. But in fact (tweest!) HE was the double crosser! Sorry, I had to bring that bit up because the funniest part of the movie has them balancing his character over the ledge of a building in a chair:

And he’s all screaming at the top of his lungs, crying, like, “S’MILLION DOLLARS IN CASH!? WHADDAYA THINK?!”

Then when he goes back into his flashbacks of the mob boss, his voice-over is completely calm and collected as though he’s conspiratorially letting them in on a secret across the poker table.

And then it cuts back to him on the rooftop in the chair and he’s ALL SCREAMING AGAIN AND OH GOD NO

RATING OUT OF FIVE:

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NUMBER FOUR, VICE ACADEMY PART II

Don’t ask me to give any kind of recap for Part I because I know nothing about it. It seems this project was intended to be a standalone, apparently if you haven’t seen it, you haven’t missed much. How thoughtful of them.

This is a real, actual movie that stars these two women as undercover vice cops:

The bad guy is a woman called Spanish Fly who wants to put an aphrodisiac into the city’s drinking water. Does this sound like some kind of porno to you? It does to me, too, but you won’t be seeing any kind of action in this movie, sexual or otherwise. It drags on interminably through the broken glass of its own jokes until it slumps exhausted at the credits, as much a burden to itself as its unwilling audience.

Not even a muscle woman could save this disaster. They managed to pick a pretty ugly one.

RATING OUT OF FIVE: THREE AND A HALF COLD SORES

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And those make the movies James and Karina bought me! Now onto the rest:

NUMBER FIVE, SCARECROW SLAYER

There aren’t many things worse than an Asylum movie, but you can now slot this one right in on that small list between “failed electric chair execution” and “getting testicles caught in slamming door”. For this is a movie made by a group of people somehow less talented than Asylum, and Asylum simply provided the special effects.

That’s like making a worse movie than Birdemic and asking James Nguyen if he can hook you up with some of those amazing bird .gifs. It actually boggles the mind that people that shamefully untalented don’t just give up, if not life then at least film-making.

One of the only things that can rival my puppet fetish is my scarecrow fetish, and if you manage to turn me off with a movie featuring two scarecrows fighting to the death then you’re doing it wrong.

RATING OUT OF FIVE: FAILED ELECTRIC CHAIR EXECUTION, MINUS ONE “SUFFERING” TOKEN

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NUMBER SIX, GRUNT: THE WRESTLING MOVIE

Unlike my housemate Jim who is a legitimate fan of wrestling, I do actually find this movie kind of enjoyable. It’s a guilty pleasure, yes. I’m well aware of how fucking dumb it is. But hey, you know what? I laughed, and I was entertained.

Less can be said of the unfortunately frequent bouts of thrown-in wrestling scenes which are nigh interminable and always accompanied by the movie’s pretty awful theme song.

Frankly I think the most interesting thing I can talk about with this (admittedly incredibly strange) movie is that the synopsis of the plot on the back of the DVD cover is the most complicated and in-depth blurb I have ever seen. It’s actually kind of disturbing that whoever wrote it up was that into the movie. They basically summarise it scene-by-scene until the final confrontation.

In all, it’s better than a poke in the eye, which puts it above most of the movies in this bout of reviews.

RATING OUT OF FIVE: FOUR AND A HALF NELSONS

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NUMBER SEVEN, ELECTRIC DREAMS

If you guys haven’t heard of this, heads are gonna roll. It’s Bobby Castello’s favourite movie of all time.

Jim hates it, but I rate this movie as a critical-mass guilty pleasure. It actually makes me feel a bit dirty knowing that I like it as much as I do. By all rights, I should loathe this movie with every ounce of my being but I fucking love it.

We’ll always be together, however haaard it seeems~

We’ll always be together, together in Electric Dreams~~~

I think what I really love about this movie is how incredibly misguided they were about what computers would eventually be capable of in the eighties. The main character, Miles, puts a bunch of special powerplug extensions into his outlets that let the controller turn appliances on and off remotely; and when the computer goes rogue, it starts making things like toasters jump around of its own volition. I’m not kidding, if you are into hilarious retro misconceptions about TECHNOLOGY, this movie is pretty much the final destination. I mean, for Christ’s sake, the computer becomes sentient because Miles accidentally spills wine on the keyboard. This shit can’t be faked.

RATING OUT OF FIVE: RAND * ((FUN)+1)

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NUMBER EIGHT, THE COUNTRY BEARS

I don’t know what it is with Disney thinking they can make movies out of their stupid rides. The one exception would obviously be Pirates of the Caribbean, and that’s only because they’re fucking pirates.

And then you have this animatronic pity parade.

Don’t get me wrong, bears are cool. I love bears. And I would totally dig a world where humans and sentient, talking grizzly bears coexisted peacefully. But you know what I don’t think is cool? Even marginally?

Country And Western music. And there is a lot of it in this film. Musical numbers manage to find the slimmest excuse to banjo their way through your living room and sit in your lap with a jug of moonshine, smelling of livestock, hay and animatronic bears.

Not even Christopher Walken can make this trainwreck any more enjoyable. And that’s saying something because he’s in full Chris Walken mode, no-holds-barred. It just doesn’t work when he is the least cartoony-looking character in a scene.

RATING OUT OF FIVE:

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NUMBER NINE, CLEOPATRA

Okay, if I’m to be honest here, I’d have to rate this film twice. Four stars for Part I, two stars for Part II. Maybe one and a half.

The first half is let down only slightly by a) the insane, showy bravado the film is well known for and (spoiler!) Julius Caesar’s ridiculously silly death scene, and is otherwise a smashing epic romp. Then Richard Burton’s Marc Antony character steps in, Part Two beings and it all just goes down the toilet.

Cleopatra is noted among film scholars as one of the greatest Hollywood disasters in history. Its over-running budget nearly bankrupted MGM, for which a few major players were ultimately responsible for, least of all the star of the film, Elizabeth Tailor. It’s actually mind boggling that the film ended up being completed, let alone was as good as it was. But it still crashes and burns the further into it you get.

Richard Burton is predictably drunk off his tits most of the time and Rex Harrison’s Caesar is hands down the best performance; the film suffers for only having him for half of it. If it had been a Caesar biopic they could have cut their losses and it probably would have been considered one of the classics, but instead it’s kind of a mess.

RATING OUT OF FIVE:

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NUMBER TEN, MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE

Last up, Dolph Lundgren’s portrayal of He-Man in Masters Of The Universe.

This movie should have been one of the alltime cheesy camp favourites in the stylings of the impossible-to-unlike Flash Gordon (1980) or even Labyrinth. Instead, it’s kinda dumb.

One of the main reasons this film copped so much flak from fans was because instead of Oizo, they substituted this horrible fucking thing:

He sounds as annoying as he looks, but I can assure you, that is the least of this film’s worries.

Essentially, they wanted to set it all on He-Man’s planet, Eternia, but with the budget for the film looking the way it was, that just wasn’t on the cards. So they are instead teleported to Earth in short order so they can hang around in a boring neighbourhood while Skeletor sits around and sends his frustratingly inept minions to do his dirty work.

I love Skeletor in this movie, he looks great. He doesn’t look gay like he does in the cartoons, just completely retarded. It’s clearly just a guy wearing a latex mask which is hilarious.

Although he doesn’t look gay, however, the filmmakers decided to ramp up that whole bad-guy-likes-to-watch-the-goodie-suffering thing way beyond what is necessary for it to seem sexual. You have to actually see this movie to believe how massively Skeletor gets off to watching He-Man getting whipped in chains.

RATING OUT OF FIVE: THE NUMBER OF DOLLARS THEY SPENT MAKING SKELETOR’S MASK

~~

This is Slunk over and out, I hope you enjoyed today’s installment of MovieMagicks!

So, you like fantasy?

Yes? You do? Okay, good. You’re gonna love Legend. Swords and sorcery, yeah!

Sorry? What was that? What do you mean, “is it a girly fantasy”? What’s a girly fantasy?

Oh. You mean unicorns, princesses and fairies. Yes, Legend has those too. And glitter. Oh my god, so much glitter.

If you still think you’re too manly to watch this eighties masterpiece by Ridley Scott, you need to sit the fuck down. I’m putting in the movie in. No, you can’t go to the toilet. Okay, here, use a cup.

How did I find out about this movie? Well I’m glad you asked, dear reader. I’m sure I’ve told you this before, how often we talk and all, but Jim likes to bring home bad movies for us to watch. We treat them sort of like an endurance test. We’re currently four parts of the way through James and Karina’s Christmas gift, five of the most godawful films they could find in the bargain bin. And yes, expect shitty reviews of them.

Then one day he brings home a cracker, it was eight bucks in a bin with a load of other slop, and Jim challenged me to guess what was wrong with the fantasy world that was being portrayed on the cover.

After some failed scrutiny, he revealed the secret: Tom Cruise is in it. And it’s very, very difficult not to see him as Tom Cruise jumping around in a loincloth on the first viewing.

The story is very much a cut-and-dry fairytale affair, handled well and told with heart if pointedly unoriginal. But personally I don’t think that’s the point of this movie.

Basically, Ridley Scott wished to create the ultimate fantasy film. Remember this is way before Lord Of The Rings, and subsequently, way before anyone was willing to go anywhere near making a feature film in a fantasy setting. It was considered a major risk in the industry.

Personally, why I think so many of the fantasy and science fiction films that appeared in the eighties and early nineties failed is that they missed their potential. For whatever reason, and it was most likely minuscule budgets handed out hesitantly by terrified movie producers, films in this genre had a consistent habit of looking spectacular in a few scenes and largely bland or cheap for the most part. They had similarly simple stories, but did not even tell those as well as Legend did; they floundered around in that awkward sense of a book-to-movie conversion where the ideas in the book couldn’t be properly relayed with special effects.

Legend, on the other hand, delivers and draws you in with such staggering attention to detail that if you haven’t heard of the movie until now, you’ll be asking yourself why.

Legend was one of the most secret successes of its era in the western sphere; one of the hottest directors in Hollywood creates a rich and immersive fantasy world, shoots it perfectly, and most people haven’t even heard of it. It remains widely unacknowledged, even if Tim Curry’s The Darkness himself still occupies a space in the Hollywood wax museum.

Admittedly, there are a few gaffs in Legend that are worth noting.

The main gripe is that Ridley Scott and his team were clearly so intent on aquiring “magical” shots that they pretty much went berserk with their lighting kits and pulling out a lot of techniques usually reserved for clever amateur films in an effort to really push the visual nature of this movie to its logical conclusion.

Hence you get scenes like this:

…with absolutely no explanation of why the bubbles are there. In fact, you can even see in some shots where the bubbles are coming from out of a bubble-blowing machine. Little “tricks” like these can be visually enticing but unfortunately they grab you and shake you out of an otherwise very immersive epxerience, especially if you are watching the director’s cut.

In the theatrical release, there is nothing actually “wrong” with the movie - as theatrical butchers go, it is very close to Scott’s original vision - but the beginning in particular moves incredibly fast and as a result is far more of a challenge to the audience to accept that they are in another world dealing with real characters. It’s more like you’ve been bombarded with fairy and unicorn paraphernalia and suddenly this big adventure starts.

The “answer print” director’s cut, which is available on blu-ray along with the theatrical release if you’re interested, is significantly better paced and as a result creates a stronger bond with the audience, making for a more powerful experience overall. The ending is also compacted in the theatrical version and a different, more light-hearted feel than the director’s cut.

The film itself creates such an intense atmosphere that every scene pulls you into the moment. There is one scene in particular, where the princess is ‘seduced’ by a sentient dancing dress, that hypnotised me (in both versions) until the scene was over.

Tim Curry may now forever be known as “the guy from Rocky Horror Picture Show”, a figure who can’t be taken very seriously and roles such as Nigel Thornberry don’t help. But Legend was a standout performance for him and clear evidence that he is, in fact, an extremely competent (and frightening) actor.

Considering that The Darkness is basically Satan, Tim Curry does a very good job of lending the character a strange sort of sympathy. He sees in the princess an alien sense of innocence, and wishes to corrupt her. But his ineptitude in doing so, despite his charms and powers, really makes for a movie all in itself.

These scenes are particularly hooking to me, and perhaps a glimmer of the full potential this movie could have reached if all of the story had been treated with the same level of gravity.

So I guess what I’m trying to say here is, yes, it’s a bit of a “gay” movie. But fairies are awesome and a unicorn could totally kick your ass in real life.

I am currently drunk as fuck. It’s amazing I am even able to type this without a proportional number of spelling errors. All I know is that I am currently so fucking smashed that my head feels numb and I just told my housemate that I love him because he’s always been there for me.

That is how drunk you need to be to get through this fucking movie.

“She’s been having sex with… a lesbian 50-year old woman,” he shouts hesitantly from the other room. “What!?” I scream. “Well… it’s implied!!”

I got about two hours in before literally giving up. We started the night with some rifftrax shorts (Grasses and Boxes, to be precise) before Jim introduced me to the cheap but rather delicious champagne-impersonation he just bought. We had two glasses each and they went straight to us. After that, even the fucking horrible white wine I got for free with my six pack of pear ciders tasted good, delicious and fruity, which previously were so disgusting I could not stomach more than two mouthfuls.

We are in the final act currently and a wes-craven style baddie just stabbed a guy the fuck to death. (S)he’s dressed like Death and stabbed the policeguy and I only jumped out of my bedroom while writing this to check what Jim was making all his squealing laughter about. His literal quote is, “I can’t even feel myself think anymore”. The twist of this movie is so motherfucking retarded… “Euuurgh… FUCK. Fuck this movie”, says Jim. Yeeah, you’ve pretty much got it, my friend.

I can’t write a real review of this movie. I am literally too drunk. So much horrible white wine. Michael Douglas, after so much you’ve done, why the FUCK WERE YOU IN THIS MOVIE?!??!?!?!?!?!??!!!!??!???!?!!!!??!?!?!?!?!??!

(In Seagull voice) ‘Well… That’s a story for another day.’

We are actually a bit scared I may have alerted the neighbours. My guess that the killer was the therapist was so loud that we may or may not have instigated a late-night noise complaint, considering it’s basically midnight. Holy living fucking jesus christ fucking shit, I’m sorry to god if you do actually exist and are watching me, but Jesus Chrsit Fucking Mary Joseph God, this movie sucks so many balls it has a ballmouth of the third fucking degree.

Special thanks to Jim for actually riding this movie out with me, holy shit.

Holy fuck.

Holy fucking shit. My head is spinning. And I’ve been cheatingly avoiding the final half hour of this movie. It’s so fucking long, what the fuck. Sharon Stone.

This movie is actually asylum level bad. Don’t watch it unless you have an actual killer level of wild turkey. Or weed.

Fake pussy.

Pussy pussy pussy.

That’s why you watxch this movie, is for obvious fake pussy. And Jim’s input?

*Slap, slap, slap…*

“I can’t feel my legs.”

Lots of love. Pete.

I have been watching so many movies lately but I have not had time to review them due to the fact that I have been busy with a very intensive course in small business management that has been consuming virtually all of my free time.

However, having seen Chronicle with Jim due to it getting nothing but glowing reviews, I feel as though I have a civic duty to procrastinate from my mountain of homework for just another hour to warn you all that Chronicle is such an incredibly trite piece of shit that I have not been able to wash the smell of it out of my clothes for a week now.

I am genuinely perplexed as to how and why this movie is getting good reviews.

“Found Footage” movies are not something I am fond of. I haven’t seen Blair Witch Project but I’ve been told it isn’t as bad. For now my comparisons are more along the lines of Paranormal Activity which made significantly more money than it deserved to. I found there to be about three cool scenes in that movie nestled deep within an hour and a half of absolutely excrutiating forced dialogue and “caught on camera” quirkiness. It was a pain to watch and not worth it for the few moments I enjoyed. It would have made a better short film project.

Cloverfield was slightly better. I still took major issue with the utter silliness of a guy climbing the rubble of a building and fearing for his life while operating a camera. It’s a hinderance. Your life is at stake. Put it down and come back for it later, you suicidal moron.

The reason I hate Chronicle so much is because it follows every single individual cliche I have come to hate within found-footage movies of all walks.

• The character operates the camera when they would not do so in real life. In fact they seem to have a compulsive problem with recording things.
• Other characters ‘lampshade’ it by confronting the person about how weird it is that they are constantly carrying a camera around and filming everyone. Yes, it is weird. I wouldn’t mind if they gave a reason but they never do.
• Incredibly feigned, “Twilight”-style naturalistic dialogue where everything a character says is padded out immensely with lots of “realistic” pauses and stumbles.
• By the end of the film (even District 9, though a ‘documentary’ movie rather than ‘found footage’, was guilty of this), Found Footage is completely abandoned as the director resorts to standard film techniques because, well, how else can you rip off the entire third act of Akira?
• The cast of the film is populated by douchebags and bimbos. I am not American and so maybe that’s why I never plugged into the reprehensible “frat boy” culture but I am just so fucking sick and tired of seeing it in movies like this.

The film comes with its own additional list of problems.

There is the interesting technique deployed when the love interest (??????? I’ll get back to you on that one??) appears with her own film camera and suddenly the film is editing itself between the protagonist’s ‘found footage’ and hers. I actually liked that concept, but they had to ruin it by a) stating that the girl is filming with this big-ass movie camera for her “blog” (her blog is apparently full of insipid details such as what guys she’s slept with from what we’ve seen of it), b) her story and character never actually going anywhere despite her recurring and unwelcome appearance in the film and c) the biggest offender, her grating personality. Virtually every time she appears in the film we as the audience must bear at least a minute of her picking on one of the douchebags sarcastically with “Well, well, well, look at you, Mr. Society Patron, because you just looooooove socialising, like, that’s TOTALLY your thing”.

Just… just shut up. And take down your blog, nobody reads it. This is coming from a lazy film geek with barely 50 followers.

One thing lured me in to see this movie at the cinema besides the reviews. That was the concept. Some kids get insane psychic superpowers, and the ‘found footage’ aspect is simply a tool to document - or Chronicle, if you will - what would really happen if kids suddenly found themselves with superpowers. What responsibilities and chaos that could entail.

Well, it takes a very long time to get to that as we have to sit through a whole lot of sentimentalised, one-dimensional bullshit (this kid’s mum is sick, like, as in dying-sick, hooked up to the bed with a machine, heartstrings = tugged, and his dad is a psycho who just hates him venomously for no fucking reason, amongst other unbearable teen dramas).

Then when we get there the movie turns into Psychic Jackass as these idiots throw baseballs at each other’s faces for twenty minutes and make shopping trolleys skate around of their own volition scaring the bajeezus out of customers. Two things strike me when I see their application of their psychic powers: the lack of imagination these kids possess, and how fucking easily amused they are. If only I was too, I might have enjoyed this movie a bit more.

By the end you’ll be holding back from shouting “KANEEEEEDAAAA” and “TETSUOOOOO” in the cinema because the kid is flying around using psi-powers while wearing a hospital gown. I know I keep bringing it up but the callback to Akira is goddamn shameless.

I mean hell, maybe you’ll like it, everyone else seems to. But Jim and I were suckered in by showers of praises and we actually found ourselves cringing and mumbling “oh, god, no” throughout the whole thing.
I just have to warn someone.

Please, watch out. Be careful, at least now you have been warned how much this stupid movie sucks.

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Terrible fucking movie. But I couldn’t help but notice something hilarious.

I kept asking myself, ‘where have I seen that actor before? Who is he?’

Keanu Reeves

+

Nicholas Cage

=

Justin Whalin

~

~

He also looks quite a bit like Michael Bowman.

In a way, I’m very thankful that the nineties are over. There was a certain period when apparently any movie idea, no matter how incredibly bad, could get green lit and fed millions of dollars in budget. Now the thing about Tank Girl is, I think if it were given to a different director, it could have been a great movie; dumb, maybe, but entertaining and fun.

But it was not meant to be.

Now, I’ve not read the comic so I am not here to judge that. I must say though, I’m curious to read it now to see if it has a plot even remotely as dumbfounding as the film’s.

Basically, Lori Petty tells us a whole lot of exposition in a really gravelly, affected “tough-girl” voice about how a comet hit earth and now there’s no water. So now everyone has to get water from the creatively named Water And Power, an evil mega corporation run by Malcolm McDowell.

Malcolm shows us in the first two minutes of his appearance that he is a one-dimensional evil freak who likes to make his generals walk on broken glass before stabbing them in the back with a spark plug that turns their blood into water.

We are introduced to Tank Girl who lives in a commune of Nineties-grade hippie frat boys with a couple of cutesy child actors thrown in so that people in the audience who are not Nineties-grade hippie frat boys will not necessarily want the house to get blown to smithereens with everyone inside it.

Shortly, everyone gets shot to death and Tank Girl is kidnapped. Despite seeing her vegan college hippie boyfriend just get brutally shot to death, she is still joking around and acting surly in front of the wicked, male, chauvanist pigs who have kidnapped her. If you’ve seen Sucker Punch then you’ll know what to expect in terms of how males are typically portrayed in this movie.

Eventually Lori Petty runs into some chick with a really horrible Australian accent and I think at some point they steal a tank? Holy shit man I’m so high right now I don’t even know

Finally we get to meet the Rippers, a gang of mutant kangaroo men who want to help Lori Petty steal water from Malcolm McDowell, but I’m afraid if you are a bit of a furry who doesn’t mind a bit of hot kangaroo-man ass then you’re about to be sorely disappointed because the Rippers are ugly as fucking sin and a special effects failure of the most grotesque order.

Despite this, and I’m really sorry to any kangaroo-fan furries out there for potentially putting you off Anth-Roo for life, but Lori Petty apparently falls in love with one of them who I think is voiced by Ice T. I wasn’t really paying attention by this point.

CAAAAN YOU FEEEL THE LOOOOVE TONIIIIGHT

So eventually Lori Petty finds Malcolm McDowell in his evil hideout and tries to shoot him with a gun but he’s got this new robot arm that he uses to deflect all of the bullets. So apparently just because the bottom of your arm has been replaced by a huge, unwieldly, heavy metal chunk of machinery, you can still move it around fast enough to deflect bullets shot from a semi-automatic machine gun as long as you are Malcolm McDowell.

The final showdown occurs when Lori Petty gets inside her tank and fires cans of soft drink or beer or baked beans or something at Malcolm McDowell, there may have been wacky carnival music playing as well, I’m not sure, but if there wasn’t then there should have been.

Then Lori Petty splashes him with water and his face goes all Lawnmower Man because apparently his whole head is just a hologram now, and then Lori Petty stabs him with a spark plug and turns him into water.

How high do you even have to be?

All I’ll say is this; if you plan on watching this movie any time soon, you’d better have lots of alcohol because you’d have to be pretty tanked to sit through it.

I’ve seen it, it was so bad it doesn’t even deserve a review. Vampire’s Kiss on the other hand..

I’ve watched Taken, Black Dynamite, and Porn Star: The Legend Of Ron Jeremy in the last 24 hours.

Now there’s just Tank Girl left to go

Ugh do I even want to watch this

This is actually one I might do for my next review. Sorry I’ve been so slow on this blog but life is finally beginning to settle down, haha. Expect a full analysis in a few days.